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Saturday, January 19th, 2008
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5:12 am
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i dont want you to go back. being 10 minutes down the road is a lot different from being an hour down the road.
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(comment on this)
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| Friday, October 5th, 2007
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6:43 pm
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today.....absolutly amazing :)
current mood:  chipper
current music: Colors of the Wind ~ Disney
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
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1:53 am
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| Monday, August 20th, 2007
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11:48 pm - To love another person is to see the face of God
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two days ago...the tears finally came. They came at a time when i wasnt expecting them but it happened anyways. A rush of emotions that were built up over the past week, it all came at the same time. Funny how i was at Whites, a place that always seems to make me happy. that night i ventured away from the swings though, to the other side of the pond where he met me there, just like i knew he would. talked wasnt needed until i was ready and it felt great to talk about many things i had been feeling and realizing. i still cant wrap my mind around the fact that i may never speak to her ever again and that hurts so much.
Today the gang hit the beach. it was really nice weather and i had a nice time but like always, my mind was drawn back to jess. i missed her a lot today. mainly her laugh. when the guys were skim boarding or playing wiffle ball, i could see her joining in and laughing just like she always did. the beach would have been that much more fun had she been there.
i think theres a reason wounds heal so slow. its so that you have time to contimplate and remember what went on. and once wounds heal over, they leave scars so that you can see them and never forget. never forget the memories and good times. its hard to move on and right now, i dont want to. this past week has felt like an eternity. i just want some kind of sign showing me we are still friends, that there is some connection still there. anything at all would really help...anything.
current mood:  contemplative
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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1:01 am - what if..
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what if....i never talk to you ever again?
what if....i never see you ever again?
tonight it almost happened. the tears almost came tonight. it was the first time i had said outloud what i had been feeling and it hurt. for some reason, i held them back. like i had to be strong or something.
but i dont know what i would do if i never saw you again...
current mood:  cold
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, August 9th, 2007
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10:40 pm
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soo its a no.
hearing no is getting easier.
i think im going to be ok though. i cant be mad at him. i tried and i couldnt do it.
i realized, once again, that i just liked the idea of the whole thing. i dont want anything to change. i just want to forget that we ever talked and have things stay the same.
who knows. i shall see when we hang out again.
current mood:  okay
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2007
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1:18 am
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i wish more than anything you were there today.
would you stargaze with me?
would you swing with me?
would you hold on to me forever?
i think you would
current mood:  content
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(comment on this)
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| Monday, July 30th, 2007
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12:53 am
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Today was absolutly amazing...yet for some reason i wasnt completly happy.
i literally spent all day with him and his family. i went to lowell, i ate dinner, went swimming at the docks and ended with a trip to whites park but it just didnt feel right. i hate that i can spend the entire day with one of my best friends and not completly enjoy myself. once again i found myself thinking it shouldnt be me. i shouldnt have gone to lowell, it should have been her...but it wasnt. She should of had dinner and went swimming. As much as i love those late night swings, she should be there. its not fair and there is nothing i can do about it.
Tonight i actually expressed this feeling to him, one of the few things i had been avoiding telling him. i now know that i can tell him anything. he says jealousy wont effect either of them and they both know that what happens between him and i is just a really great friendship but i still cant help feeling bad. to hear that we have much deeper conversations than they do was awful to hear. i dunno i just wish things were different, i wish it could have been the summer they had dreamed of. oh well. they will just get through it like they always do...
but i know what it feels like to want to see someone and be unable to do it...
on a lighter note i got 16 bug bites on my feet, we avoided getting kicked out of whites by the cops and spent 20 minutes looking for the back way to the docks.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Friday, June 22nd, 2007
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10:16 am - i dunno
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he sounded so said when i said i couldnt go
she looked so said when she had to say no.
how can two people who are so in love, be so sad.
sometimes i feel aweful, the fact that i see him more than she does. it shouldnt be that way, its not right. sometimes i feel like i am intruding. many times i have wished that i could switch places. i would give anything to see them happy together whenever they wanted. sometimes i hate being around him, wishing i werent. whenever we hang out its all smiles and laughs but she should be there too. i know his face shows that he is happy but inside hes got to be wishing way more than me that she was there too.
his mom says her parents are just doing what they feel is right for their daughter.
i think its more important to notice when your daughter is truely happy.
when they are appart you can see it is straining their relationship. but when they are together it is as if nothing is wrong and everything is perfect. when they are together, it looks right, they both look happy and would not want to be any where else. i hate that they are forced to be apart. turning 18 was supposed to allow them to be together more but it seems as if it is pulling them further appart.
i dont know what to do and i wish i did. they are two of my best friends, i dont know where i would be without them and i hate to see both of them so unhappy.
current mood: contemplative
current music: Chicago by Sufjan Stevens
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Wednesday, June 13th, 2007
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11:37 pm
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Tonight was just amazing. it was so refreshing to hang out with the drama kids again. it had been way too long. First the party at Vickys then awards with jess and greg then friendlys with the gang and then catching up with ellen. so far summer is just as i hoped it would be, fantastic. i want to spend the summer with these kids. every one of us laughing and talking without a care in the world. well except for the typical summer crushes that go on. tonight was the first time in a long time i had openly flirted with joel. i saw it from a completly different angle this time. we are just amazing friends and it is just fun to do. it was nice to be able to do that again. it was nice to catch up again both with joel and ellen. i cant wait for this weekend and for what is to come. it is going to be amazing. summer of 2007 will be the best time of my life :)
current mood:  flirty and loving life
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(comment on this)
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| Thursday, May 17th, 2007
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4:05 pm
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| Sunday, May 13th, 2007
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10:40 pm
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Almost a year ago i wrote this
4:51p
so i had a pretty amazing day today
i dont really know what it all means though
then a week later i wrote this
9:24p - ugg
boys are dumb
thats all i have to say
both entrys are abou the same boy, the same boy who "just held my hand" and the same boy who i hung out with tonight. Yet again the night was great, but i dont know what any of it means.
I wasnt in the house for more than a minute before you were all over me. we havent talked in 5 months and now you just expect me to up and want to be with you? you treated me like shit last summer so what? are you back for round 2? i dont get you, you make no sense. i dont trust you at all and i dont know if i ever will.
this shall be very interesting.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, May 8th, 2007
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9:10 pm
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he just held my hand. nothing more. nothing less.
right...
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
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12:36 am - Summer days...in April
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This vacation has been amazing. I want it to stay like this all the time. not thinking about next year. not thinking about college. not thinking about 90% of my friends leaving....
SUNDAY
- worked till 2
- coached 8 year old girls in softball...ugh the heat
- drove to UNH for solarfest.
- it was absolutly amazing. soo much fun. brendan's friends are amazingly cool. i dont think i have ever seen so many people enjoying themselves at one time.
- went back to brendan's dorm where his room mate happened to be out. this allowed us to openly talk about everything and i left crazy messages on top of the television. messages such as "wash me please" because i am that cool
- was pulled over for the first time for "failing to use my signal at the stop sign." but in reality he was just looking to peg me for a drunk driver. oh well, he let me go with just a warning. no harm done.
MONDAY
- Slept in until woken up by greg
- traveled to block buster with jess and greg to collect movies for the moviefest
- ordered pizza and eat it at rollins park.
- sat at the park and swang on the swings for the next 2 hours just enjoying the freedom and weather. it was absolutly amazing and soo comforting.
- volunteered to go into work and managed to have a fun time
- had a small get together at julias.
- played really fun, crazy, intense games and laughed a lot.... imagin if T. Goacha was kissing goodnight after a date...
- drove to CTC to pick up Abbi after her extended visit to NYC
TUESDAY
- coached 8 year olds again.....played much better today
- lounged around the house and baked cookies
- went to gregs house for the movie fest...amazing
- the times i am most happy are when i am around those people. they are so amazing and all have amazing things to say. watching the italian job and Bill and Teds big adventure. crazy techno dance party. stargazing in the middle of the road. tea and sufjan stevens. i was the last one to leave, staying late and talking to greg. we have become really close lately and talking to him made me realize just how much i am going to miss him and jess and the rest of the band wing crew seniors. they are what get me through my day. and next year will be so weird not having them around.
wow its late and i should really get to bed
current mood: content
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(comment on this)
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| Sunday, April 22nd, 2007
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12:06 am - Summer Days...
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I want it to be like this every day. I could not ask for a better way to start of spring break....well aside from greg getting stiches but we even found fun in that
soo quick list of the past day and a half
FRIDAY
- played Ultimate frisbee at Whites with cool kids
- drove to UNH and back with greg. i won at yellow car by the way
- went to the PEG show. i was very surprised and happy with what i saw
SATURDAY
- work 4:30-12:30. UGH it was sooo busy. it was not fun at all
- Summer clothes shopping ish
- Ultimate frisbee at Whties with even more awesome kids, encluding kids from Hopkinton
- Puddle jumping in HUGE puddles
- greg cutting his foot, driving to the hospital, and waiting for his parents to come
- we only called his parents like 15 times
- Ice cream at Langs with cool kids
- 300 with Joel
- had a really long, really good, really necessary conversation
- its time for a change and i might have to step it up and make that happen
- Joels house for ice cream
- spent WAY too much time with joels parentals
The weather was beautiful. We are on vacation. Life really cant get any better
...well actually it can but that wont happen till later...
current mood: chipper
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Saturday, April 14th, 2007
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9:52 am
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mmm yeah, life is great. things are wonderful. im so happy with everything right now. i have amazing friends who are willing to support me and give me stuff to do all the time
things are great with that certain boy. just amazing friends and im soo happy with that. happy that he didnt think i was crazy. happy that he was willing to listen to everything. happy that he was understanding. happy that i was able to tell him that stuff.
there is this other boy. im happy with that too. i dont know where it is going but where ever it does, i should be happy with the outcome. he is amazing and we talk about everything.
last night was the best half birthday ever. i spent it with abbi, brendan and her three little brothers. we made a HUGE cake and played spit and brendan and i just goofed off the entire time. we ended up staying at abbis pretty late and then i took him home. brendan and i had our first big conversatition in person. it was so nice to talk to him and see him and his reactions to things. in a way, talking about the tough stuff was harder, but it stil felt good. we are spending the day together again today and i cant wait. i love spending time with that kid
anyway, i have to get back to work
current mood:  happy
current music: Lets get down to business - Mulan
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, April 5th, 2007
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7:01 pm - why?
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why am i jealous? im not allowed to be jealous. i CANT be jealous.
im happy for you i really am but why am i jealous?
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, April 4th, 2007
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6:37 pm - Is it possible to have too much of a good thing?
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Just a few thoughts i had while i procrastinate on homework some more
- how come when i liked you, the friendship was hard and now that i am over you, we have become the best of friends?
- why dont you go to class?
- you realize you are disappointing your familiy more by not going right?
- it seems you are giving up
- i will have finished my college apps in 9 months
- is it too early to start my reccamendations already?
- how do i pick a major when there are still many things i know i can do with my life, and can do them well?
- i really like this happiness that i have been feeling
- why do my parents still hate you?
- what is going to happen this summer?
- what will happen next year when half my friends arent in the band wing and you arent in the rope room?
- its really happening, im growing up
- i now like a boy that i absolutly can not like and i dont know what to do
that seems about it. i suppose i will continue reading this gazillion page chapter in ap american
ps...my ipod has been on shuffle and of the 15 songs i have listened to so far, 5 of them have been les mis. is that saying something? i miss the CAST soo much
current mood: happy
current music: Stars - Les Mis
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Monday, March 26th, 2007
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10:42 pm
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so i have decided it is offical. although i still catch moments were i find him attractive, like the pictures he sent me tonight, and there are split seconds of wishing, i think i am over him.
i mean yeah i stil think about it sometimes but i am perfectly happy just being friends, good friends.
i have decided that i need to be upfront with guys from the beginning. this will save a whole lot of drama down the road.
anyway....im happy and ready to put all of that behind me
back to ap american
current mood: happy
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(comment on this)
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12:10 am
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wow it has been one crazy week. Les Mis came to an amazing close. i loved every minute of the show but i never thought i would apperciate the show this much. to be apart of such a huge undertaking is a memory i will never forget. The show was sold out 2 of the 3 nights and people say it is the best show they have seen at CHS in a long time. It gives me such a warm feeling inside to hear people say that. all i can do is smile. Joel did an incredable job. he was amazing and i was blown away by the commetment and effort he put in, in just seven days. Les Mis was just too good for words.
the CAST party was crazy as always. i didnt sleep at this CAST party, thats a first. it was still a ton of fun.
Joel is going to prom with Leah. I found out last night at the party. The worst part was, he was hiding it from me. i found out right before we got separated for the night so i was upstairs crying about it with the girls. they were all really nice about it and were just as shocked as i was that he had picked leah. they told me to shower him with kindness and that he was and i deserved better. well you know me, an hour later, i found myself downstairs lying under the same blanket as joel with his arm around me. he was so excited when he told me about his prom date and i shot that down. i told him everything. the fact that i knew three days ago when he first asked her and 2 weeks ago when he planned on asking someone else. he claimed he told me but i know very well that he did not. i told him if he really wanted to know how i felt about the whole thing, he should know i had been upstairs crying about it. i told him i hated the fact that he had hid it from me and he explained that he didnt want to hurt me because he knew i still liked him a little bit. i told him he hurt me more by hiding it and he wanted me to understand that it is uncomfortable for him to talk about infront of me because i still like him. i told him i understood very well that everything we do and say means nothing more, its just getting my mind to understand the idea. he could see where i was coming from and i understood him as well. It was a really great conversation and neither of us were afraid to share what we really felt which is a good feeling to have. Now, he and i are on much better terms. although i stil like him a little bit, now, more than ever, i should be able to get over him easier. He and i and clare talked the rest of the night and the majority of the time he had his arm around me which made me feel good. every now and then he would rub my shoulder and tell me he was sorry for hurting me. i think i am finally done with this and there is no more uneasiness between the two of us.
so much has gone on and les mis was just another stepping stone. it was a big stepping stone acutally and yet again, like every show that i do, i have come away with a lot. i made new friends. created tighter bonds with old friends. and kept further distances from the friends i dont want to have. i have learned more about myself and my ablities. and it just makes me happy to know that even though the show is over, i still have 50 people i can go to with a problem and they will suppot me. they are my family and i love all of them.
oh boy...PDD has really set in now
its definatly time for me to go to bed
current mood: content
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